Thursday Thirteen

Thirteen Things I Was Thinking As I Hunted For Apartments in Manhattan Today

1) This is not fair.

2) It’s immature of me to think this isn’t fair, and it’s probably unhelpful.

3) I should be working right now, but I don’t even know if I could work because I’m so upset.

4) I’m so angry with Raj for doing this to me.

5) I shouldn’t be feeling sorry for myself, but I am feeling sorry for myself.

6) I wish I could lie down and cry somewhere.

7) I hate brokers. They are all slimy bastards.

I hate the fact that brokers charge 15%, which comes out to be approximately $3000 for an apartment with a monthly rent of $1800.

9) That’s a cute coffee shop.

10) I hate that I have to be looking for a new apartment right now.

11) He shouldn’t have had me move in to his place and move all of my stuff into his place if he was going to quit on me.

12) Our apartment was finally looking cute. It’s not fair that I have to leave it, and it’s not fair that I have to do all of this work myself because of his decision to stop trying.

13) I’m never moving in with another male.

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

Kicking And Screaming

I would like to say, for the record, that I am having a bad freakin’ morning. Really, I’m having a bad f—ing morning, but I’ve been thinking that I probably shouldn’t swear on my blog as a general matter because it sounds ugly, so I’m trying to restrain myself. However, if I was talking to you in person, I would definitely be saying that I am having a bad f—ing morning. By way of background, I always thought swearing for emphasis was fine until I started working with Dragon Lady and had to stand by as she cursed violently under her breath. I realized that when someone is sputtering out curses left and right that it can make others feel really uncomfortable, and it can stress people out. It’s also tacky and completely lacking in class. So, I’m trying not to replicate Dragon Lady’s annoying (abusive) habits in my own life. Bitch.

So, back to my morning. I’m discouraged. I’ve been looking for apartments around the clock for two days. I’m now intimately familiar with Craig’s List and a host of posters, and yet, a solution to my apartment dilemma has not yet materialized. Nothing seems right. They’re are problems with all of the possibilities, and maybe that’s something I’m going to have to accept: I’m not going to find anything close to ideal because of this shitty situation that has been foisted upon me. Speaking of foisting upon me, don’t think I’m only blaming Raj. Far from it. On my way to work this morning I was berating myself for deciding to move in with him and giving up my lovely, gorgeous, beautifully decorated apartment.

But you know, even now when everything has fallen apart, I wouldn’t have done it differently. I loved him and I wanted to be with him. And, though I’m surprised to be having this thought at the moment, I don’t regret living with him. I don’t regret trying to share my life with his. Ok, enough of that mushy stuff that is going to send me back into a pit of weeping despair.

When I moved in with him we were in the midst of working through our “issues,” but that didn’t give me any pause because I was convinced that we would work out our issues and, basically, live happily ever after. Was I sniffing anything at the time? No. Do I consider myself to be a flighty, naive person? No. I just knew that I loved him, and I believed he loved me, and it seemed that we had come back together for a reason: to be together for the long haul. I never would have got back together with him after being apart for a year if I hadn’t been sure that this time it was going to be forever. In that mindset, moving in together seemed like a natural step. Especially in New York when paying two rents and spending most nights together doesn’t make a lot of financial sense. I totally admit that; we both took into account the financial benefits of combining our living space.

What I didn’t bargain on was that the relationship would not work out. What I also failed to consider was how the ending of the relationship might impact me when suddenly I found myself without a home to call my own. I didn’t think about how I would feel trying to come to terms with a break-up and trying to grieve while at the same time trying to find a new place to live. The reality is, you can not grieve while trying to find an apartment in New York. There’s just not enough time! The last two evenings I’ve spent hours on Craig’s List, pouring over ads and leaving messages, and I’ve done that because, frankly, I don’t have any choice. Ok, I guess I do have a choice. I could choose to stay in a really shitty situation and do nothing to take care of myself, or I could choose to try to find a new place to live. I’ve chosen, wisely, to pursue the latter course, but the latter course (especially in New York) sucks.

I don’t want to be looking for an apartment right now. It takes up almost all of my energy, and what I want to be doing right now is crying, getting perspective, grieving, drowning my sorrows with friends, and doing pretty much anything other than slogging through the streets of Manhattan and Brooklyn trying to find the next place to which I’m going to have to move my stuff. I don’t want to think about what to do with my bed, or how much stuff I can get rid off. I don’t want to go through my clothes and sort the ones I can give away to goodwill. I don’t want to be in this mindset like I’m on a sinking ship and in order to survive I’ve got to cut off all the dead weight. I’m not ready to cut off all the dead weight in a mad rush. I want time to sort through my things and get things in order. But, unfortunately, I don’t have time.

I also need to work, which is incredibly difficult while being super stressed out about finding an apartment immediately. I think it’s complete and utter bullshit that I (and only I) have to be in this frenzy to extricate myself from what used to be “our” life, immediately. He made this decision not me, and because of his decision my entire life has been turned upside down. Yes, I’m feeling sorry for myself. And, yes, I do not think this is fair. I did not know that we would be breaking up. But I guess you never do.

I’m pissed today. Mostly I’m pissed because, as a result of Raj’s decision, I do not even have time to be pissed. I need to work, I need to find an apartment, and neither of those leave much time to revel in one’s emotions. Now, after this blogging diversion, I have to go back to my f—ing work, so that I can finish it as quickly as possible so that I can continue my f—ing apartment search. I’m pissed, sad, and angry and I think all of this is unfair.

Apartment Hunting: The Upper UWS

For those of you unfamiliar with Manhattan, the place where the red arrow is pointing (125th Street), is far, far away from where I currently live. I’m down in Chelsea, which is on the west side of Manhattan about midway down the island. 125th street is almost 100 blocks north of where I live, or approximately 5 miles. In most places in the United States 5 miles would be nothing. In Manhattan, it’s the difference between being happy and feeling like you’re stuck in Siberia. It’s even North of Central Park!

Not that I’m being negative at the moment. On the contrary, I’m extremely impressed with myself. I had never been that far North. I took off the afternoon from work (fuck ‘em) and explored the border of Harlem! I have one friend up there who swears it’s the greatest because it’s away from the buzz of the city, you get more space for the money, and it’s just “cool” in the way that neighborhoods in the process of gentrification are that haven’t yet become hip.

However, I happen to like the buzz of the city, and as I was exploring the area between 100th to 125th street, my overriding impression was one of depression and isolation. It just felt so damn far away from everywhere I want to be (i.e. The Village, Chelsea, Soho, East Village, Union Square, UWS, etc.; basically anywhere on the West side up until 96th street, and many places on the East side).

Despite not being enthused by the upper, upper West side, I’m still really proud of myself for getting my butt in gear and checking it out. I saw two places, neither of which was anything special and way to small for the money and the location. CG told me yesterday during our session that I could feel miserable and sad, but that I had to “empower” myself while at the same time allowing myself to work through those feelings. Basically, she was saying that I needed to take some control of the situation, and even if I continued to feel sorry for myself (which I was totally doing two days ago) I still needed to take some action and act like the competent, bright, confident woman that I am. She suggested “educating” myself about the available rental options as a way of empowering myself and damn it, she was right. I do feel empowered because even though this situation totally sucks, I’m taking action to try to get myself out of a bad situation and into a better one. Go me.

In educating myself today by tramping all over the upper, upper West side, I learned that 100th street is my upper most limit. I also realized that I need to consider my mental health and the impact the darkening days will have on it. As the sunlight faded on 125th street, the area began to look even bleaker than it had earlier, and I thought to myself that though I could bear not snuggling with who I thought I was going to snuggle with this winter, I don’t think I could bear it if I was trapped all the way up in Siberia. The isolation would wreck me. I’m just not ready for that. I’m a Manhattan girl, what can I say. And if I’m going to live in Manhattan, I want to live in Manhattan, not Harlem (even if it is the new cool place to be with slightly cheaper rent). I prefer veggie stands over fried chicken and a steady stream of cabs over vacant streets.

In addition to looking on Craig’s List, I’ve contacted almost everyone I know in the city and enlisted their assistance. Shockingly, for a girl who has been convinced that she doesn’t have close friends here, there are a large number of people on my list and almost every single one of them has come through. In trying times, you always find out who your true friends are. Lucky me, I have a good number of them.

Tomorrow, the search continues.

Therapeutic Processing

Therapists are great because they help you process. Last night, I saw CG and, as usual, she was awesome. Together, we waded through the muck (I actually had her skim that blog post at the start of our session so that she could get a snapshot of my mental state). I realized that – putting aside the relationship heartache – one of the main reasons I’m stressed and anxious about the idea of temporary housing is that I want a safe, stable place where I feel comfortable, and temporary housing does not represent that in my mind. Temporary housing is filled with random crazies, my stuff scattered between my brother’s house and storage, and me sitting alone on a bed staring at the walls. Who wouldn’t be freaking out about that image?

The idea that I might want a stable home, as opposed to flitting around the world trying to find a sense of purpose, should not have been an earthshattering revelation to me, but with my emotions in overdrive, it came as something of a surprise. Having my space has always been important to me. In addition, for the last couple of months I’ve been incredibly stressed out because of my feeling that I do not have an “anchor” or a “rock.” Well, of course the anchor and the rock has to be MOI, and what I realized last night is that I probably can not be a good anchor to myself if immediately after ending a serious relationship, I proceed to summarily uproot everything else in my life at the exact same time. Not a good plan.

I don’t need more uprooting right now. Losing a relationship, a job (even a despised one), and a city that I love all at the same time would be too much. It just doesn’t make sense. I need to take care of myself, and I’m thinking today that taking care of myself might mean giving myself a stable place to live. So, like my wise friend Fran said yesterday, the first order of business is getting out of the apartment. That’s what I’m going to focus on for now, and I’m going to push all the concerns about the job to the side. It would be good for me to find a place to live where I feel comfortable. That would be taking care of myself, which is what CG always focuses on. She always asks, “What do you need to do to take care of yourself?“

Breaking up was not part of my plan. But, it’s happened, and so now I have to change the plan in order to take care of myself. I can kick, scream and cry while I do it, but I have to get it done.

Overwhelmed and Despondent At The Thought Of Moving (Out) (Again) (On)

My first day back at work in 8 days was not as awful as I had expected it to be. It was actually mildly comforting to have the familiarity of my office – and particularly my computer – back. Dragon Lady refrained from harassing me, and the major thing I had to deal with workwise were some issues with my pro bono contested divorce case, most of which I was able to take care of or put off until tomorrow.

Which was good, because I spent a good part of today alternating between crying over the loss of what I thought was going to be “the” relationship and wondering what the hell I’m going to do in terms of living space for the immediate future. I cried over lunch and a glass of wine with a friend, and then I cried later while talking to another friend on the phone. I need to move out because “our” place is Raj’s. I moved in to his place back in April, and now that we have broken up, I need to move out.

I find this completely and utterly overwhelming. First, because until two weeks ago, when Raj told me that he no longer wanted to “try” to make our relationship work, I had had a semblance of a future plan (which, admittedly, I was already freaking out about). My plan had been to quit this deplorable job in January sans other job, take a small break to travel, and then come back home and play house with Raj while looking for a job that I really wanted to do. A job that I was passionate about. Since August, I’ve had it in my mind that come January, I would be quitting this place come hell or high water. It’s become imprinted in my brain. I’ve had a countdown on my blog. I was down to 38 days!! (As of today). The idea of not leaving when I said I was going to leave fills me with dread and disappointment. I know I would be so proud of myself for leaving and telling them, in my own special way, to f— off.

Now, obviously (as I’m coming to realize slowly and painfully) this plan needs to be tweaked, and most likely completely overhauled. The more people I speak with, the more times I’m told that you should look for a job while you have a job, and that it will be far more difficult to find a job if I’m without one while I’m looking. Apparently, this is because everyone assumes you are a loser or psycho who was fired from your old job. It’s like a third eye in the middle of your forehead. Nobody wants to hire a Cyclops. Initially, I was highly resistant to this information. I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want to cave in and not quit out of cowardice. That was before I suddenly did not have a place to live and before Raj broke my heart. Before everything crumbled all at once.

Depressing as it is, the reality is that the most stable thing in my life right now is my job. Oh my god, that’s so depressing. And I wonder why I’ve been wanting to run way to Tibet? The very same job that I was hell bent on quitting not two weeks ago. The very same job that I still passionately want to to quit.

And, I am still going to quit. But, instead of quitting without having a job lined up, I’m now considering alternatives, such as going to another law firm for a 6 month stint if I’m unable to find a public interest job in the next two months (while dealing with heartbreak and finding a new place to live). Then, at least I’ll have health insurance, money, security, and stability which will allow me to stay in New York while I think about what and where I want my next step to be. It’s a safer route, and it might be what I need to do in order to get through this break-up – pathetic and sad as that seems. This might actually be the low to which I have fallen. This idea (of going to another law firm as a temporary measure) sounded good to me for exactly 25 minutes this morning, and then popped up throughout the day, without making me ill. Writing about it now, however, fills me with a sick feeling in my chest. The idea of going to another law firm is so unbelievably depressing.

How this relates to looking for a place to live is that I’ve had this timeline, of quitting in January, embedded in my head since August, so January has always represented the endpoint to my self-imposed timeline. Now, when I’m visualizing looking for a place to stay, I keep finding myself clinging to that deadline, and thinking in temporary terms, looking for a place to sublet only through January. It’s like I can’t think past January! I also don’t think I’m in the best frame of mind to go out and rent a place and sign a one-year lease. Basically, chaos has erupted in my head. My relationship, challenged as it was, was stability to me because it was something I was committed to. Now, it’s gone, and it has created a massive void on many levels.

The second reason I find looking for a place to live utterly overwhelming is because this is f—ing New York and it’s really hard to find an apartment here. Not to mention the fact that it’s New York during the Holidays. Almost every listing on Craig’s List is for a “holiday rental,” from mid-December until mid-January. That does not help me very much, because I need a temporary place at least through the end of January.

Third, I want to sublet a studio or one-bedroom, some place that does not involve sharing an apartment with other people, something I have not done for over 6 years (with the exception of my time with Raj). The thought of living with randoms makes me ill. The thought of living with and meeting randoms while I’m emotionally vulnerable and falling to pieces is pretty much the worst thing I could imagine. Unfortunately, I haven’t had much luck finding a studio to sublet. Frustrated, I responded to some apartment to share ads and later left a message on one girl’s cell phone who had written me back. She sounded like a drill sergeant on her voice mail. I can’t live with a drill sergeant!

Fourth, in addition to the logistical issues, I’m trying to deal with a swirl of emotions. Sometimes I feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest, other times I feel panicky and like I can’t breathe, like I can’t believe that this relationship is over. That it didn’t work. That we are not going to be together. I was so convinced that it was going to work once we had worked through our problems, because I love him and I wanted it to work. But now it’s over, and I don’t know what the point of any of it was. What was the point of all that struggle if it didn’t result in us being together? What a waste! So, I’m grappling with the end of something I wanted with all of my heart. I’m feeling loss, rejection, tiny sparks of anger, disbelief, disappointment, and crushing pain. I miss him. I can not believe we aren’t going to have a future together.

Sometimes I feel calm and clear, like I have some perspective on why the relationship was not working for me. But, most of the time I just feel sad and filled with disbelief that it’s over. How am I supposed to find a sublet while dealing with all of this? A sublet. A hideous shoebox filled with someone else’s junk.

I don’t think I can do it. I also don’t want to do it. I wanted us to work out. That’s why I moved in. That’s why I put up my pictures alongside his. That’s why I moved the last of my things out of storage a few weeks ago; because I was committed to making our relationship work and I truly believed that we had a future together.

But now, he has thrown that away. He has thrown me away. And, I need to find a sublet and the job that I hate with every cell in my body has become the most stable part of my life. That’s the reality. This is unbelievably horrendous.

Coffee With Starshine

While I was down in Houston for Thanksgiving break, I did something that I had never done before. Drum roll, please. I met one of my blogging friends, Starshine. As this was my first time meeting a fellow blogger, someone I had “gotten to know” through my blog and their’s, I was a little bit nervous prior to our coffee date. The fact that my mother had to drop me off at Starbuck’s like I was back in grade school did not help. (Thanks for dropping me off Mom).

It turns out that I had no reason to be nervous. Starshine was as wonderful, kind, and genuine in person as she is on her blog. That’s her on the left with the gorgeous red hair, and me on the right. Yes, we are posing for our blogs. Shamelessly. Our conversation picked up easily from where our blogs and emails to one another had left off. There was no awkwardness or searching for things to say, and I guess I should have expected that because before “meeting one another” we already knew a lot about one another – and we liked what we knew.

We spent a delightful morning getting acquainted in the physical world, running back through our basic life stories, and filling in details that had been left out of our posts. It was so much fun! It was also exactly what I needed on that particular morning. I also got to meet her man, esuitor, who was incredibly charming and very sweet. The two of them are so cute together! I’m very happy that Starshine and I met for coffee, and I’m already looking forward to the next time our paths cross outside of the blogging world.

Stillness

I woke up this morning to the same thing I’ve woken up to for the last six days that I’ve been down here in Houston visiting my family. A stillness and a silence within me, and a sense of disbelief that Raj and I are no longer together. Within the stillness there’s also a feeling of being completely alone.

Later in the day, I’ll feel other emotions. I’ll feel sadness, disappointment, hurt, and sometimes anger. Unfortunately, I haven’t felt a lot of anger since Raj and I broke up 2 weeks ago. Hopefully, the anger will eventually come. My dominant emotions have been crushing sadness, disappointment, hurt, and a sense of disbelief. I’ve also felt panic and anxiety, but I know that has to do with a lot more than the break-up. Lucky me, in addition to my relationship ending, almost everything else in my life is also in a state to transition (and I was already in a panic about all of that before this particular rug was ripped out from under me).

I’ve never gone through a break-up where I loved the person and wanted to keep trying, but they decided to leave. Which is what happened. Raj decided that after our 3 year on-and-off relationship (one year one, one year off, this past year on), he did not want to try any longer, despite continuing to love me. Obviously, I do not want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me, and I knew that the instant he said that he didn’t want to try anymore. Putting aside questions as to whether this is for the best, because time will tell, I’ve never been on this side of a break-up. I’ve never felt like my heart is breaking because I love someone who I can no longer be with. Who no longer wants to be with me.

I’m sure I’m also feeling rejection and abandonment, but maybe they’re too painful to deal with. Maybe that’s why I wake up to the stillness. Does all of this sound pathetic? Maybe. Someone I’m not that close with recently told me, “Don’t let them see you cry. Keep your chin up.” I don’t agree with that advice and I don’t see the point of it. I know that I’m going to get past this and I’m going to come out stronger, but I’m going to have to go through a process. Crying is part of that process, and thanks to a year of therapy I no longer feel weak for feeling hurt or for crying. I’m glad that I have the capacity to feel emotions strongly. It means I have depth.

Unfortunately, depth brings pain, and that’s what I feel pressing in on me on the edge of my stillness. Today, as I’m surrounded by my mom and brothers, I’m not going to give in to the pain. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad. In a while, after they all wake up, we’ll have breakfast, and probably see the Borat movie, which even if being horribly stupid will probably have at least a few solid laughs, which has to be good for me. Then, this afternoon I fly back to New York and the stillness of what used to be “our” apartment.

At least the apartment has half of me in it. After a week with my family, I need some me time. Even if the me time brings with it a lot of sorrow.

Thursday Thirteen

Thirteen Things About My Thanksgiving

1) I spent this Thanksgiving with my mom and two brothers, and overall really enjoyed my time with all of them.

2) I missed my sister, Bean, who spent the holiday with her husband in Utah. I think it was the first Thanksgiving that all four kids in my family weren’t together. But, we all talked on the phone, so we stayed connected.

3) On Thanksgiving morning, my brothers and I went for a 3-mile run outside. I had to stop a bunch of times, but Bacchus cheered me on which was very cool. At the end, I was really happy that I had gone running with them, and I resolved to get back into running regularly once I get back to New York.

4) My mom’s sweet potatoes were awesome, as usual. She mixes sweet potatoes and granny smith apples in an orange juice and grand marnier sauce and then tops them with marshmallows.

5) My two desserts were a hit, especially the apple crisp, which is all gone. We still have about 1/2 of the pumpkin pie left (so I guess that wasn’t quite as big of a hit).

6) The four of us played 3 intense games of Taboo. (We’re a little competitive.) We switched teams each time, but every time I was on the winning team. Coincidence? I think not.

7) At one point, my mother, who’s word was “sausage,” ended up saying that my brother Bacchus always says he has a huge one, and when that didn’t work, saying that you could have it with syrup. My brother Frey yelled out, in exasperation, “cock and balls,” and all of us were like, what the hell does that have to do with syrup? It was a little dirty, but hilarious.

At another point, my brother Frey had a word and got me to say “Borat,” by saying that he has a new movie out now that we are all going to see. He then said that I needed to change some letters at the end, for which he was ultimately disqualified. He wanted me to say “Bor-ay.” None of us could figure out what the word “bor-et” could be, until we looked at his card and realized the word was “bore” (without the gratuitous French accent). That lead to a lot of laughing as well.

9) I now have half of a scarf knitted and I’m fairly proud of myself, although I’m not sure how I feel about plain old knit-stitch as a pattern.

10) We all watched Al Gore’s Inconvenient Truth. The situation is indeed dire. I always think about what a waste it is that all the buildings in New York keep so many of their lights on throughout the night.

11) Speaking of dire, I’ve been reading “Under the Banner of Heaven,” about the fundamentalist Mormon church and their practice of polygamy. The idea of 14 year old girls being forced to marry men double their age and becoming their third or fourth wife is repulsive and extremely disturbing. The book, so far, is great.

12) I’m very thankful because I received very good news on my pro bono asylum case. I don’t want to jinx it, but I’ll share it later.

13) The weather has been gorgeous. Eventhough the Christmas tree in the square looks strange in 70 degree weather, after this week in the sunshine, sitting outside on my mom’s porch swing, I’m starting to see the appeal of the winter holidays in summer weather.

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

Laughter and Relaxation

One of the things I decided to do while I was down in Houston this week was to try to do something positive and fun for myself each day. Yesterday, that was going with my Mom and some of her friends to see the new Will Ferrell movie, Stranger Than Fiction, also staring Emma Thompson, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Dustin Hoffman, and Queen Latifah. I went in search of light entertainment and laughter.

As a general rule, I’m not a huge fan of Will Ferrell movies, as they tend to be a little bit too idiotic for my tastes. However, there are a few of his movies that I’ve loved, including Anchorman (Christina Applegate was fantastic!), Wedding Crashers (hated Will Ferrell’s character in that movie but Owen Wilson, Vince Vaughn, Isla Fisher, and Rachel McAdams were all great), and Elf. The funniest part of Elf was when Will Ferrell gave his Dad a Christmas present which turned out to be women’s Christmas-themed lingerie. Omg, it was so funny and it made me laugh so hard that no sound was coming out, the way my Dad laughs over British comedy.

Stranger Than Fiction is the story of a boring and bored IRS agent, Will Ferrell, who suddenly, on a random Wednesday, starts to hear a woman’s voice narrating his life. The mysterious voice is the voice of Emma Thompson, a writer of tragedies suffering from writer’s block and Will Ferrell is non other than the main character in Thompson’s evolving book. As Thompson, with the help of Queen Latifah struggles with writer’s block and tries to figure out out to kill off Ferrell’s character, Ferrell becomes smitten by Gyllenhaal, a baker with anarchist tendencies and a dislike of the US Government’s military expense budget.

I’ve always liked Gyllenhaal (check her out in Secretary and Mona Lisa Smile) and thought she did a great job in Stranger Than Fiction. She was wonderful, although I was hard pressed to believe that any sparks would have flown between Gyllenhaal and Ferrell’s characters. Not to say that Ferrell didn’t look decent in the movie, because, surprisingly, he did. Stripped of his usual deliberate stupidity and/or sleaze factor, he was actually fairly attractive and quite endearing. All in all, I enjoyed the movie and found it pretty entertaining. It made me laugh, so I got out of it what I wanted.

Today, I went for relaxation as opposed to laughter and had a hot stone massage and a manicure. I’ve been wanting to try out a hot stone massage for a while, and I was not disappointed. The hot stones against my skin felt like they were melting away stresses, and I left the spa after an hour feeling more limber and relaxed.

Other than that, I’ve been getting ready for Thanksgiving. I’m spending it with my mom and two brothers, and am looking forward to all of us being together. I’m baking an apple crisp and a pumpkin pie. I’m not big on cooking, but baking is fun. Speaking of which, the kitchen is calling.

Weighty

I woke up sad today, and though I’ve been trying to ignore it, the sadness has stayed with me. I’ve been thinking about the recent break-up, and of course him. Driving to my Dad’s this morning – a small miracle that my mother allowed me to borrow her car despite her contention that Houston highways are basically the equivalent of death traps – I heard a song from Outkast that we used to dance to. Horrible. I think part of this taking care of me thing will have to include trying to disremember happy memories, including eliminating some of the music that invokes those memories. I’m off to have lunch with my Dad and Stepmom. Houston is chilly but sunny, and I’m glad I’m able to spend the day here, despite feeling weighed down by all of these emotions.