Friday Night

Friday Night started off well…how could it not? Fridays are always good for me because it’s the beginning of a weekend. At 6:00pm I didn’t have a headache, I felt as though I had accomplished my duties at work, and I had no plans at all for the weekend. I was even up for a movie at the theaters (which is rare). I began calling theaters to see showtimes, etc. Tex began to annoy me at 7pm because suddenly he said what about seeing a movie at the Imax. (I was ready to eat dinner and watch a show, already we wouldn’t get home until at least 12:00).

The idea of an Imax quickly went away because our hunger got the best of both of us. We headed out the door, and said good-bye to Hazard. Now, we made the same mistake we always do when we go out and we don’t decide on a restaurant. Not knowing that there is this huge softball tournament going on in town, we go to Ruby Tuesday’s. It was packed. There were at least 10 cars in a tiny parking lot fighting for places. I see a spot opening and we rush over. We made it…My stomach is growling even more..when suddenly I see this guy who is standing outside pointing to “our” spot. I tell Tex, don’t give up our spot, we were here first, I don’t care who that guy is waiting for…First come, first serve…Right? So Tex gives up our spot and says we’ll go to another restaurant. Now that we are nearing 7:45, I am getting cranky, we both are.

Tex drives past 3 more restaurants, all of which are packed, he decides to go to Winger’s. I verbalized my objection to this restaurant loudly and clearly. The last time we went to Winger’s, I ordered my food and drink. When the waitress brought me my drink, I started gulping it down and abruptly stopped when I felt a hair in my mouth. Totally grossed out, I didn’t eat any food and wouldn’t drink the “new” drink that they had given to me. I can’t eat there ever again! Regardless, they still charged us for the drink and Tex paid because he didn’t want to make a scene.

So, now that it is 8:30 on a friday night, we end up back at Ruby Tuesday’s. Yah!!! There are about 6 spots open, we walk in and are seated right away. Regardless, 20 minutes later, our drink order is TAKEN and finally we order our food as well. 60minutes later (9:30) we get our appetizer and dinner at the same time. Granted it’s not a 5-star restaurant, but I like my appetizer first. Starving, we dig in and tell the server, we’re fine. 5 minutes later, Tex looks at me with a disturbing facial expression; grossed out and yet questionable. He pulls a white piece of plastic covered in mashed potatoes from his mouth. Needless to say, Tex didn’t finish his meal he’d been craving all night.

The server says they will give us a free desert. “No thanks, we’re running late for a movie” is the only response Tex could utter out of his mouth. The server takes the plate to show the Manager and 2 minutes later comes back and asks if Tex would like to finish his meal. “No” he replys, “just the check.” One night, and another restaurant that we won’t go to. It’s been a year since the Winger’s incident but I just can’t eat there plus the food isn’t all that good!

F.Y.I: We skipped the movie, went to Blockbuster and watched a movie at home, that’s all we could take for that evening!

Claire’s Journey of Moments

A few weeks ago, I watched the last few episodes of Six Feet Under (on HBO). I had never seen the series before, with the exception of random episodes here and there. I watched the last episodes because Raj, who had followed the series, wanted to watch them.

I thought they were exceptionally good, but they were also almost too much to handle emotionally. I know this probably sounds silly as I’m talking about a TV show; one in which I had not even been invested prior to watching the last few episodes. But keep in mind the entire series deals with death. Each episode starts with a death, and the end of the series ended with many deaths that all happened in the course of a few dramatic minutes against the back drop of an achingly sad, beautiful song. The writers pulled out all the stops.

In the last episode, during the last 10 minutes of the show, Claire drives off, headed for New York, to start her life on her own. Cut in between shots of her face as she’s driving, we are shown pictures of her returning home, of her family members marrying, dying, of children being born, growing up, and of them too dying. In the flash of a few moments where Claire sets out to start her life, we see her entire life, along with the lives of all of her loved ones and all of the main characters on the show, all of ttheir hopes, joys, and losses, pass by and end, as all things eventually do, in death.

I started crying watching the scenes of her life go by, and by the end, though I tried to hold myself together, I was crying so hard I couldn’t at first explain to Raj why I was so upset. I didn’t understand it either, I just knew that I was overwhelmed with sadness. As we lay on the bed and he held me and rubbed my shaking back, all I could get out was I don’t want them to die, and I don’t want anything to happen to them.

It wasn’t that I was said for Claire. I was sad that we are all going on the same journey that Claire went on, and just as her life was compressed into the span of a few moments, all of ours could be compressed similarly down to a few details, thought the details might differ: we leave home, we feel hope, we fall in love, we marry or we don’t, we have kids, we feel joy, our kids have kids, our loved ones die, we die, our children die.

Watching the show, it was one of those moments where I was overwhelmed by everything we do in life, despite the inevitability of death. We run around, we work, we fight, we love, we worry about the future, we try to plan, we try to be good to the people that we love, and then we grow old, we have to watch the people that we love leave us, and then we have to leave others that we love behind. I don’t want to lose the people I love. I don’t want a time to come when I can’t talk to my Mom on the phone, when my brothers and sisters aren’t around to raz me or support me, when I can’t call my Dad up and hear him ask, Everything under control?

Uh-oh, my first day back at work, and I’m turning into an emotional basketcase again. Yikes.

Maybe this means I can’t handle death well. Or, maybe it means I need to do a better job talking with my family and not getting upset about stupid things that, in the long run, mean nothing. Maybe it means I need to be stronger, and have perspective, and be grateful for all of the happiness that I have in my life, and to see that the point is living fully instead of being afraid of everything that I might lose. But that is easier said than done.

Here are the lyrics to the song Breath Me, by Sia, that I can’t get out of my head:

Help, I have done it again

I have been here many times before I

Hurt myself again today

And, the worst part is there’s no-one else to blame

Be my friend

Hold me, wrap me up

Unfold me

I am small

I’m needy

Warm me up

And breathe me

Ouch, I have lost myself again

Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,

Yeah I think that I might break

Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend

Hold me, wrap me up

Unfold me

I am small

I’m needy

Warm me up

And breathe me

Be my friend

Hold me, wrap me up

Unfold me

I am small

I’m needy

Warm me up

And breathe me

Thursday Thirteen

13 Things I Love About My Little Sister, Bean

1) Her Wisdom: Though I’m the older sister by 8 years, as the years go by and the space between our ages seems to shrink, more and more I realize that there are certain areas in which my little sister is light years beyond me, and I find myself turning to her, learning from her, and being continually impressed by the strong, confidant, self-possessed woman that she has become.

2) She’s Supportive and Trustworthy: Not once when I have turned to my sister in need of comfort has she ever let me down. When I need her, she is always there for me, ready to analyze, listen, empathize, rant, laugh, comfort, or do whatever is called for in any given situation to make me feel better, no matter what.

3) Our Resemblance: She is a blond, blue-eyed version of me, and I’m a brunette, greenish-blue-eyed version of her. We have similar noses and smiles, and though we are as different as we are similar, I like the tangible, observable signs of our connection.

4) She Fits Into My Old Clothes: Though she is a size 2 and I’m a size 6, somehow she fits into almost all of my old clothes (except for my jeans). She makes it possible for me to completely clean out my closet and give away my clothes anxiety-free. My favorite old tops that are a little too small for me? That corduroy jacket that I love but just don’t wear any more? I can give them to her and know that they are safe, in kind hands, and at a location where I could easily find them were I to decide that I want them back in the future.

5) She’s a Pool Shark: I just discovered this fact this past New Year’s when I watched in amazement as she first impressed by un-impressable brother so much so that he decided to play teams with her, and second how she and my brother ran the table for the entire night, defeating all of the unlucky souls who went up against them.

6) She Likes to Shop: This may be because I inevitably end up buying her a little something, but come on, she’s my little sister after all; it would be hard not to spoil her just a little bit. One of my favorite times was when she and her husband were visiting me in New York and the two of us spent almost an entire day walking around the city just the two of us. We found a Fragrance Store and made personal scents for our selves, explored stores in Chinatown, the Village, and the East Village, tried on tons of clothes, and had an absolute blast being together.

7) She Sings In The Car: All of my siblings are like this, we like to blast music while we drive and – though the boys might not readily admit it – sing along to the songs we love. My last trip to Utah included lots of singing at the top of our lungs to Joss Stone’s You Had Me, You Lost Me and a song about blue bonnets in Texas, while the mountains of Utah whizzed by outside.

She’s a Girly-Girl: I didn’t officially become a girly-girl until my second year in law school. That’s the year I recognized that I loved flowers (on their own and as gifts from boys), skirts, and all things pink, and that I could do all that and still be a strong feminist woman. My sister always loved all thing girly, so when I finally came around, it was nice to have someone who shared my loves.

9) She’s the easiest Person In the World To Buy a Present For: At any given moment, if put on the spot, I could name 1,000 things my sister would love to get as a present. The girl is so easy to shop for, it’s ridiculous. All I have to do is find something I would love to get, and I know she would love it too. Clothes, jewelry, accessories, cute things for her house, DVDs, music, things for the bath, you name it, she loves it.

10) She’s Social and Vivacious: My sister, like my youngest younger brother, can walk into any room and within a few moments know almost everyone there. I’ve watched her connect to, charm, and win over perfect strangers effortlessly. It’s amazing. It’s a talent that I don’t possess, nor one which I strive to possess, but one which I greatly admire in her.

11) She Did This Blog With Me: When I told her I wanted to start a blog and that I thought it would be fun to do it together, she agreed on the spot to do it. Then, within hours, she figured out all the html codes that we needed to get us up and running, with just the right combination of shades of purple. She’s the technical genius behind this blog.

12) She QUIT Smoking: After years of smoking, she recently decided to quit, and I am so proud of her!! I know it was a huge challenge, but she did it and it’s awesome! Quitting smoking is a huge step forward in terms of taking care of herself, and ensuring that she will be around for a long time, and I couldn’t be happier.

13) She Will Always Be My Little Sister: Even though she’s all smart, wise, and grown-up now (most of the time), no matter how old she gets, she’s still my little sister, and that’s how it’s always going to be.

Links to other Thursday Thirteens! (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

1. Gypsy Girl
2. Lisa
3. Raggedy
4. Carmen
5. Janet
6. Lady Jane
7. Kristarella

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

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Touch Of Despondency

Wednesday was more of the same: coughing, feeling miserable, lying around in this stupid apartment with no energy to leave or do anything. Being sick in the summer is pretty much one of the most miserable things I have encountered. Being sick in the summer and having to stay home all by myself with no friends, mom or sister to come by and make me some soup or cheer me up is even more miserable. Thankfully, I have my cell phone, but I’ve even been too tired, or coughing too much, to talk on the phone all that much.

Am I feeling sorry for myself? I don’t know, maybe a little. I just feel really crummy. I hate this. I hate having to stay at home. It completely sucks. I hate that there are all these dishes to do but that my head feels swimmy whenever I stand up. And I absolutely can not stand that for some unknown reason I have an endless stream of mucus stuck in my throat that my body insists upon trying to cough up so violently that I think I actually pulled a muscle coughing. I’m not even kidding about this. Since yesterday, or the day before – the days are now running together – every time I cough, I get this searing pain on my left side near my bottom two ribs. I think I freakin’ pulled a muscle. I can’t even believe that! Is it dangerous? Am I bleeding internally? Will the muscle heal? Will this stupid cough every stop?

Seriously, I’m at my wit’s end. I feel like complete and utter crap. I called my doctor today and am hoping she’ll give me some helpful information when she calls back later. I seriously want to rip open my throat just so I don’t have to feel the congestion sitting there, or feel my body gearing itself up for another coughing fit. I can’t stand it. Maybe tranquilizers would help?

But I’m too scared to take tranquilizers (not that I have any) because I think they might make me stop breathing, in light of all the respiratory issues I’m having at the moment. I feel the same about that hydrocodone cough syrup. It makes me feel like something is pulling me under the water. Like I’m going to die. Evenso, I took it again last night at 2 am after I woke up in another coughing fit that left my side in pain, my throat feeling raw, and the stupid, insufferable mucus sitting exactly in the same spot where it had been before I started coughing.

I’m miserable, bored, scared, I haven’t slept much, and for most of every day I’m all alone. At least last night I slept for about 8 hours, six were actually uninterrupted which is something I hadn’t experienced since last Thursday.

In addition, I’m stressed about stupid fucking work. I’m not even stressed about the Dragon Lady or my Case-From-Hell; Dragon Lady can’t do anything to me when I’m out sick. Even she is not so powerful as to be able to challenge the phlegm that has taken control of my body. I’m stressed because of another case that I work on where we’re supposed to take the deposition of this pro se (not represented by an attorney) defendant. The defendant who beat my client for 8 years of their marriage and held her hostage at gunpoint during the last incident.

This guy is nasty. Every time I go to a hearing where he’s present he glares at me, my client, and my co-counsel. He’s not very bright, unpredictable, and for all I know he might still possess a gun, even though he has an order of protection against him that forbids him from doing so. The point, readers, is that I do not want to be in a room alone with this guy, nor does my male co-counsel. We certainly don’t want to be in his vicinity when he hasn’t been forced to walk though a metal detector.

The deposition is scheduled for Tuesday of next week, and even though I’ve been out sick, I’ve been trying to speak with my co-counsel and to coordinate the necessary arrangements. My co-counsel has been absolutely no help. He’s in London, and he would rather not have us do the deposition because, frankly, he’s not that into doing work. I’ve been trying to persuade him that in order to adequately represent our client we should probably take the depo, even if we don’t get anything useful.

But, even if I could get him on board, we’ve now run into this other issue, where it looks like we can’t take the depo at the firm in any way that would eliminate the security risk, and the court has already told us we can’t take it there. So what the hell can I do?

It’s so frustrating. Frustrating because no one, apparently, has ever dealt with this situation before (it’s like that constantly with this family court case), my co-counsel seems more inclined to just ditch it than to figure out a way for us to do it, and I’m sick at home trying to deal with this.

I’m also stressed out, demoralized and saddened about other issues that I can’t discuss here. All of which is adding stress and making me feel even worse than I’m already feeling. I can’t take this anymore and I don’t know what to do. It’s so frustrating and painful when you’ve been trying so hard at something, and it’s just not working. I’m tired of feeling hurt. It’s making me sicker.

Butternut Squash-Mango Soup and the Best Smoothie Ever

I’m still home sick, going on day 5, and I am starting to get B-O-R-E-D. I blame Dragon Lady. Why not? On Day 1 and Day 2, while I was trying to convince myself that I was going to get better quick, I made banana bread, butternut squash-mango soup, and cleaned the house in between coughing fits.

Yesterday, apart from going to the doctor’s, I was too sick to do anything creative, although I forced myself to reclean the apartment and do the dishes – it had to be done, lying around waiting for myself to de-phlegm in a mess was making me feel worse. Today, I think I feel slightly better, although this might just be positive thinking on my part. All I’ve managed to do today is lie on the couch – did I mention it’s a love seat? – and watch copious amounts of TV. I’ve almost exhausted HBO, a rare feat. I should, no doubt, be commended.

I thought I would share my butternut squash-mango soup recipe. It’s very healthy, tasty, and loaded with anti-oxidants. Under normal circumstances, if my body had not been invaded by a covert army of special ops super-germs, I’m positive it would have done the trick and kept me healthy. Next time germs, next time.

* * *

Butternut Squash-Mango Soup:

1 Butternut Squash
1 Sweet Potato
1 Mango
1 tbsp Ginger (grated fresh or dash of powder)
1 tbsp Garlic (minced)
1/2 small Onion (chopped)
1 tsp Cayenne Pepper (to taste)
Dash Salt
Dash Pepper
1 tsp Rosemary (dry or fresh)
1 tsp Cinnamon
1 tsp Madras Curry Powder
Sprig Cilantro (optional garnish)

Cut squash in half, remove seeds, cover with saran wrap, microwave for 10 minutes, or until soft, then remove insides and set aside. (Optional: bake squash in oven until soft, then remove insides and set aside). Brown onion, garlic, and ginger in large, deep pot sprayed lightly with olive oil on low heat. Cube squash, sweet potato, and mango, and add to pot (leave aside 1/4 of finely diced mango cubes). Add enough water to cover vegetables. Add cayenne pepper, salt, pepper, rosemary, curry powder, and cinnamon. Simmer until vegetables are soft. Puree contents of pot in blender (this is the key, and makes soups creamy without cream – hurrah!). Place pureed mixture back in pot on the stove and watch out for splatters. Add remaining mango cubes, and season to taste. Serve with cilantro garnish and rosemary crostini. If not sick, this soup goes nicely with red wine. Enjoy!

* * *

While I’m at it, allow me to share with you all my recipe for the best smoothie ever. I hate all the sugar, fructose corn syrup and junk that all of the chains toss into smoothies. I also am not a fan of milk (it tastes heinous and it supports the veal industry), so I opt for low calorie, healthy protein packed soymilk; chocolate, of course. The trick is to not add ice. Resist the urge! Ice adds nothing, as the frozen fruit make the smoothies cold, and all it does is water down the flavor. Here’s my recipe:

Healthiest, Most Delicious Smoothie Ever:

Frozen fruit
Frozen banana (optional)
Chocolate soy milk
Orange Juice (optional)

Place frozen fruit in blender and add enough soymilk/OJ to almost cover the fruit. Blend thoroughly until the mixture creates a smoothly flowing whirlpool in the blender. Pour in a tall glass. Yum.

Variations:

Frozen fruit: Years of painstaking practice have shown me that raspberries work best, give a lovely dark pink color to the smoothie, and taste fantastic. Bananas are terrific, and I sometimes use only frozen bananas and chocolate soymilk if I’m craving chocolate. Frequently I mix a whole bunch of different frozen fruits together. You should play around and create the combos you like best.

Additions and Subtractions: I used to make my smoothies only with frozen berries and chocolate soymilk, something I learned from my stepmom. They’re great like that, but recently I started adding OJ, and I think the orange gives the smoothies a nice zingy flavor. The smoothies are creamy as is, but on occasion, if I’m in need of a calcium boost, I add a small yogurt to the mix, plain or flavored.

* * *

So far today, I’ve had two scrambled eggs, a smoothie, and some green tea, and am now in need of other get-well ideas. If you have any (pescetarian-only, of course), please send them my way. I think I might be up to trying them out tonight or later in the week.

Hope you enjoy the recipes!

Whooping Cough

I have been sick since Friday with a nasty cough. Not whooping cough, but it sure sounds and feels like it. I think it’s going around New York, so beware. A longer post shall follow as soon as I get a good night’s sleep and the effects of this hydrocodone cough syrup wears off. Narcotics are awful. The shakes and spins have not helped me feel better one bit. I want my mommy.

Maxim-less

I’m at home sick today. The bad part about that is that I’m actually sick. I managed to catch an annoying cough which is rapidily morphing into a head cold and making my whole body feel achey.

So, instead of going to Central Park, having my nails done, shopping, or seeing a movie, I’m lying on my couch, medicated and puffy, trying very hard to will myself to feel better, while watching HBO movies, VH-1, MTV, and daytime TV. These days are usually so much fun, minus the feeling sick part.

So as not to make the day a total waste, I’m doing laundry and trying to tidy up, in between collapsing back on the couch. I even baked Raj a treat. Shhhhh, don’t tell.

In between laundry loads, I happened to catch VH-1’s 100 Hottest Maxim Women. I may have butchered the title, but you get the idea. I was of course entranced and watched most of the whole show, visually peeling away the layers of perfectly done make-up and air brushing, opining to myself whether I thought each of the women were all that.

According to Maxim, Eva Longoria is the hottest women in the world for the second time in a row. Putting aside the question of why Maxim thinks it’s qualified to judge the women of the world, I agree that Eva, along with most of the women on its list were all beautiful and sexy, particularly when touched up and posed just so.

What’s nice to remember at times like this, is that women – even if their name is Eva Longoria and they have a 100 ft picture of their bikini clad self out in the desert that aliens can see from space – do not walk around in the light of day looking the same as they do when spread out across the glossy pages of magazines. As the picture above illustrates, Eva Longoria is a mortal woman who doesn’t go around looking like a sex goddess every minute of the day.

Thanks Eva!

Mentoring

Art found here

In Passing:

1st Year Associate: Hey, how’s it going?

Me: *Meaningful eye roll* You?

1st Year: Oh, you know, I’ve been working around the clock. Getting the expert reports was horrible, but at least we have a little break now. I don’t know…

Me: But, it seems like it must be going all right. You still look happy, so things must be going pretty well?

1st Year: Well, I loved the first few months, but now… Are you happy?

Me: *smile* No.

1st Year: *pause* Can we have lunch?

Me: Absolutely.

What’s Bean Going On

Well, well. I am still alive in case you all were wondering. But my sister Buttercup has such a beautiful way with words, so I skipped out this past month or so. To catch you all up, for Father’s Day my Daddy and my step-mom came out to visit. We had a great time together. Though I am turning 24 this next month, (I know Buttercup…I’m not 6 anymore I swear it!), it was the first time ever that my dad and step-mom have been passengers in MY VEHICLE and I did well. Once my family left our house, I worked worked worked.

I went camping in Wyoming with my hubby and 3 of his friends that I have known for 6 years now…I can’t believe I have been with Tex for 6 years. It’s wierd, and we have like 70 to go if we are lucky. Anyhow, Wyoming was awesome. I got some color, hung out with Hazard, drank some beers, and watched the boys fly fish. I was going to but decided to hang out with Hazard. Hazard had to be tied to the tree and not go in the water because while my dad and step-mom were out he got a gash pretty deep and had to have staples. (He’s healed now…and he’s been swimming since he’s been allowed to). Tex made a funny comment while camping, because I bought all necessary ingredients to the camp site…beer and smore ingredients. He thought it was silly to bring smores. But guess what, when I broke out those bad boys, his friends were so happy for smores and hinted to bring them again and that they themselves would have to remember how much they love smores! I ROCK AT CAMPING!!!

Then we had the 4th of July. We went to the parade, drank a whole bunch of beer and had a blast with friends. Tex and I went home, took a 4 hour nap and woke up in time to see 3 different sets of fireworks from our deck. Then we illegally set off all of our fireworks that we had bootlegged in from Wyoming the weekend before. We had a blast. I got some more color but not too much because I don’t want to get wrinkles and hurt my skin…70 more years with Tex.

Work is fine. I think some where in the past month I have had 50 thousand squabbles with my hubby, some lovin’, kissed and hugged Hazard like he is my child 100 thousand times, and talked to my parents everyday. I have had a good past month. Now for my upcoming birthday I have convinced Tex to buy me another puppy. But there are circumstances, we are trying to get a lab from the same place that we got Hazard becasue he is so awesome. So we will see. I love puppies!!!! I may not be rich, but I know money couldn’t buy how I feel. Though I want to kill Tex every other day, tell someone to go F’ off at work every now and again, and sometimes, just start over; I am so fortunate for everyone and everything in my life! I hope that you are all as fortunate as me.

Kiera’s Withering Away

Skeletal or Beautiful?

Bubbles sent me this recent photo of Kiera, asking me whether I had noticed that Kiera was following the likes of Lindsay and Nicole on their path into bonesville. Perhaps it’s that I spend too much time looking at US Magazine, but it’s hard for me not to see Kiera as beautiful. And small chests and faint outlines of ribs do not immediately scream anorexia to me.

However, even I noticed that Kiera was looking a little sick. She doesn’t have an ounce of extra flesh or curvy softness on her, and the line of her chin in particular looks quite severe. I think she needs to eat.